high people should be assigned attendants
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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