you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
