I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
