my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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