he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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