if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
