If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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