I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
