If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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