Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
not ubering you a puppy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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