some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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