she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
