My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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