I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
