btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
