i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
