Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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