No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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