i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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