Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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