so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
