remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
