I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
