life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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