The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
