i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
