yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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