We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
