He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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