Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
