if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
