Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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