Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Congratulations! We have a period
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