dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
