Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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