Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
