hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
