the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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