after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
