believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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