WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
