My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
