Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
