I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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