Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
