i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
