Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
