i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
