bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
