Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
its liver damage thursday
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
