I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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